Here’s the back story… Years ago, when I was really just a gay-in-training, I developed a healthy fascination with Paula Abdul. This was during the Forever Your Girl era. I loved her. I thought she’d hung the moon. My Mom even got me a VHS compilation of her videos, and I resigned myself to learning all of Paula’s dance steps by slowly tracking through the videos frame by frame. Please don’t tell anyone, though. I don’t want to get a reputation.

But back then, I was so brought down that this particular compilation did not contain the “Opposites Attract” video…

You see, at the time, my parents didn’t have cable, so I could only see the video in glimpses at friends’ houses where there was MTV. And I thought the “Opposites Attract” video was only the coolest thing… EVER!

I begged and begged my parents to get us MTV, which of course they would hear no part of. Finally, my Dad set out on a mission to get me a copy of the video. Well, it was more of an “I’m going to write a letter to Paula” moment, as opposed to a mission, but I digress.

Anyway, unbeknownst to me, he sent a letter off to Paula and then, as one does, subsequently developed a friendship with key members of “Team Abdul.” One day, he came home from the office carrying a large, padded envelope, which he handed to me.

“I think this is for you,” he said.

So, I opened up the package to find a copy of the “Opposites Attract” video, along with the above autographed picture from Paula. I almost fainted. Then, I read what Paula had written on the picture.

“Keep dancing?” I asked. “Why did she write ‘Keep dancing’!?”

“Well, I may have told her manager that you inch through her videos frame by frame…”

“WHAT!? You told her manager that!? Now Paula’s gonna think I’m weird! Oh my God!”

He started laughing. “Will you just put the tape in the VCR so we can see what all the fuss is about?”

And yes, after a couple of years, I’d worn that tape out, too.

But now, I feel compelled to point out some things I have noticed recently.

First, Rachel Maddow is amazing.   Hers is one of the only news broadcasts that actually disseminates real, legitimate news in a reasonable way.  No grandstanding, no screaming at the camera, no accusing the Obama administration, without factual basis, of being both Marxist and fascist at the same time.  Rachel still considers both sides of an issue and allows for intelligent discussion of that issue among intelligent, well-informed parties.

Second.  Tiger Woods.  Here’s a question.  Who cares!?  And if you care, why do you care?  Whatever is going on in his personal life is a private issue between him, his wife, and the long line of other women who see fit to confront him with lewd text messages they have saved for years. Tiger plays golf for a living.  His life and career, while nice and I am sure productive on some level, do not truly affect most of us at all.  Unless, of course, your last name is Woods.  Or Nike.  So why on earth are we still talking about this man’s personal life?  It’s the same story over and over again, different day.

Third.  Adam Lambert.  Let’s call a spade a spade.  The people who were and apparently still ARE upset by him and his American Music Awards performance need to a) realize that they are plain old homophobic, and then b) get a life.  This is another story that won’t die, and it makes no sense to me.  I personally don’t find him that spectacular or even that innovative.  He didn’t WIN American Idol.  And the sad truth is he has done nothing new.  Even this picture of him on the AMA’s grinding that male dancer’s face in his crotch is nothing new.

Madonna, Prince, hell even Michael Jackson and Paula Abdul were doing things that I found far more shocking and thought-provoking 20 years ago.  The difference was that their performances did not involve simulated sex between two men.   Two women are fine, though, I guess.

Look at this.  Below is an image of Madonna from 1990 with her dancer’s head up her dress.  Yes, folks. 1990.  And this performance was not only celebrated when it first aired, but it then went into heavy rotation on MTV … during the daytime.

And here are some images from Paula Abdul’s “Cold Hearted” music video from way back in 1989.  Yes, the same Paula Abdul who used to be a judge on American Idol.  Here she is with a male dancer lying between her legs.

Here’s a shot of two dancers from Paula’s video, which she choreographed, by the way…

And, just in in case you haven’t had a chance to see the video in its entirety, here is one more shot of Paula doing what appears to be cobra pose with a male dancer.  It’s actually a pretty great video.  But as usual, I digress.

Back in 1989, “Cold Hearted” was number 1 for WEEKS on MTV and was played in heavy rotation during the daytime.  I guess because it was an homage to Bob Fosse, it was considered more artistic and therefore OK for 12 year olds in 1989?  Not sure.

Fourth.  Sarah Palin?  Who is this woman, really?   And why do we keep sticking microphones in her face and letting her tell lies and half truths, frighten people, and generally damage our country with her ridiculous, self-serving, uninformed and polarizing opinions?  The reality is that she is simply not qualified to be discussing national health care, foreign policy, or the fiscal policies of the United States.  She resigned her post as governor of Alaska ostensibly to go on an extended book tour.  Really?  Aside from her complete lack of experience, do we really want to trust the opinions of a woman who would resign her post as governor to go on a book tour on a bus?  Check out this article from Depak Chopra. It is enlightening.

Look, the United States is fighting not one, but three wars now, simultaneously.  The young men and women of our armed forces continue to give their limbs and their lives for us everyday, with little or no fanfare.  Our system of health care is a mess.  Lobbyists are out of control.  The economy, while getting better, is still precarious.  Gay men and women are fighting for simple equal rights against ignorant, fearful people and the politicians who want to serve that ignorance.  These are the issues we should be working on.  Believe it or not, there are still serious people who can offer serious solutions.  Please, let’s we hear from them!  Enough of the grandstanding, enough of the smokescreens, enough of the religious zealotry that offers us nothing other than fear and heartache.

It is time to get real.

Here is what I know, being a former media insider and all. For some reason, people tend to think it is Simon who is the real draw. People assume Simon is the genius whose razor tongue drives the ratings. “Let’s all tune in tonight and see what that bristle-y Brit has in store for those baby belters tonight!” Right? Well, actually, not so much.

In my experience, Simon has three basic, under-nuanced reactions to performances:

1. “You were really good tonight. Probably your best performance of the season.”

2. “You were just average tonight. I’ve seen you do better. In my opinon, you’re going to have to really step it up if you expect to win this competition.”

3. “You sounded like a starving cat in heat screaming in a back alley.”

But it has always been Paula who scores the real media coverage. And beyond the media, how often have you stood around your water cooler saying like, “OMG you guys! Can you believe what came out of crazy Paula’s mouth last night? I mean, is she, like, high or something? I mean…”

Paula is the one who continues to give Kathy Griffin the real comic gold. Paula is the one who still seems like she genuinely cares about each of the contestants and is actually rooting for them to do their very best. Paula cries real tears. Paula’s reactions are always original, completely out of left field, and totally memorable, especially when they make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Do you remember the time she compared one contestant’s performance to “a really great salad”? Oh, I do.

So, in my opinion, FOX needs to get its sh*t together and realize the gem they have on their hands. Or, in Paula’s own words, recognize her for “the gift” that she is.

In other words, suck it up, pay her what she’s worth, and get over it!