I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce you to my friend Charles. You can follow on him on Twitter. I highly recommend you do.

Charles and I met years ago at a Madonna record release party at the Abbey in West Hollywood. I was there with a friend who had some business to attend to, so I was quickly left alone to fend for myself amidst a sea of rabid WeHo Madonna gays. If you have never found yourself alone amidst a sea of rabid WeHo Madonna gays, it feels a bit like the zombie dance scene in Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video. I’m more of a New York Madonna gay, so you know.

Anyway, maybe sensing me to be a kindred spirit, maybe taking pity on me, probably both – Charles, sporting a very becoming newsboy cap, approached me and said, “It’s a whole situation here, isn’t it?” Side note: the Lifetime movie version of Charles’ life would be entitled: “It’s a Whole Situation: The Charles Porch Story.”

But I digress. Back at the Abbey, I looked at him and uttered a terrified, “Yes.”

“C’mon, let’s get you a drink.” And so began a beautiful friendship.

I often refer to Charles as “The Source of my Sanity,” because he truly is. He has a unique outlook on life, which he has coined “The Double D Philosophy,” or “The Dolly / Dalai Duality,” as in Dolly Parton and, of course, His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. Don’t believe it? Take a look at this video. With Charles’ patient guidance, I have come to realize that Dolly Parton has, in fact, answered most of life’s difficult questions through her music. Have a burning bewilderment? Just search Dolly’s catalogue of songs and take a listen. She’ll make it better.

Charles is currently on a 10-day tour of South America. He is in Buenos Aires on a quest to become the First Lady of Argentina and, after achieving that goal, going on to vacation in Brazil with “His Brazilian Peeps.” I miss him loads, but I understand that he has work to do and others to inspire and enlighten. Hurry home